Besting the Monster in My Head

I fessed up this morning to a fear I’ve carried around for years since my marriage — and life as I knew it – ended.

It’s a biggie, and, on mornings like this, my fear threatens to bring me undone!

It’s 4.30 am, and I’m snuggled in bed under the covers in the flow of a guided meditation to banish fear.

Fred Dodson’s persuasive voice invites me to focus directly on what it is I’m frightened of. To play out on the big screen of my imagination a scenario of that crippling, dreaded fear.

As this happens, Fred asks me to let my feelings come to the surface. To fully associate with all the emotions I believe my fear to hold.

I’m weeping loudly by this point. I can feel my heart crack open as I let go of years of pent-up sorrow and loss tucked away so no one can see.

Fred invites me to conjure up a commanding version of myself in the picture of my mind. A woman who can stare down my fears and hold my inner child’s hand while the storm inside me rages.

So I do. I let my fear do its worst with me. I allow it to unravel as I release the heavy energy — without resistance. As I do, I identify with the thoughts and emotions driving my fear. I focus on these beliefs with compassion and understanding. Rather than push them away, I embrace them.

I go out into my future where something terrible has happened. I follow the trail of my fear to its roots. What am I ultimately afraid of? And what IF it does happen?

In a state of absolute calm, I challenge myself, “Can I handle it? Who do I think I am that I CAN’T handle it?”

I’m asked to pay attention to which “me” is observing these events? The weak version of me that thinks I’m not good enough? My inner child? Who is doing the observing? Is there a version of me who can look without reaction or expectation in a calm, confident state? And will she step up to the challenge and deal with this fear?

My answer is — yes!

Now I go inside my head and, with focus, I imagine what I would like instead. I rescript the scene. I overlay my fear with an uplifting rendition of how I want my story to play out.

I’m asked to return to my dark, troubled thoughts and try to trigger the fear again. How much power does it have — now? Then switch to the new reality I want, imbued with confidence and joy. I oscillate back and forth to confirm I’ve moved my focus and power onto this new reality I’ve identified with.

By the end of this morning’s meditation, I definitely felt I could integrate with the “happy ending” of my story — where this particular fear had lost some of its power over me.

I glimpsed, in my imagination, a gutsy and quite magnificent version of myself smiling back at me!

Can’t hope to best the monster in my head with one swing of my sword!

I’ll have another swing at it tomorrow.

(With gratitude, Fred!)

Love, light & laughter